How to Have an Orgasm

It is estimated that approximately 10% of women have never had an orgasm -- courtesy of their partner, or even through self stimulation (masturbation).

Since there seems to be no evolutionary reason for the existence of the clitoris, it seems quite a shame to let it just sit there, idle, when there are so many benefits to be had by playing with it!

The good news is that you can learn how to have an orgasm. In fact, most women have had to learn how to have an orgasm, and they probably had to teach themselves as it's not a popular topic of dinner conversation, nor is it on the curriculum of most schools. Despite the fact that I had seen a clip or two of porn, had sex ed in school, and fooled around with a couple of boyfriends, amazingly I learned how to orgasm by complete accident!

I was lounging in bed one day, bored, and my hand happened to wander down there at some point. I must have liked the feeling of my finger on my clit because I decided to keep it there and continue rubbing. Lo and behold, a few minutes later, a feeling I'd never experienced before began building inside of me. My entire body heated up and suddenly an amazing wave of pleasure spread through me, catching my breath in my chest, and forcing me to lift my hips as if I needed to keep up with it! Liquid streamed out of my vagina and completely wet the bed (the first and only time I actually "ejaculated" through orgasm). I lay there in shock for quite some time, realizing that I had just experienced my first orgasm.

It took me a few years to really refine my orgasm...that is, to get to know the difference between a GREAT orgasm and an 'ok' orgasm. It took time for me to learn how to masturbate myself and what techniques work best on my clitoris.

Of course, there's a big difference between having trouble cumming during sex with your partner and having trouble cumming when you're all on your own! Let's address the former:

Interestingly enough, I have found that the majority of men who are good at sexual intercourse, are not so good at oral...and vice versa. So ultimately you might find that one of these is going to take priority for you over the other. That said, it's important that you realize right off the bat that most women do not orgasm through sexual intercourse. Clitoral stimulation is key when looking to achieve orgasm.

If you really want to cum while your man is inside of you, you are going to have to work on finding a position that allows either his cock or his hand to stimulate your clitoris directly while you are having sex. My husband and I used to have sex on the couch, which allowed me to prop a leg up on to the top of the couch, which allowed his pubic bone to stimulate my clitoris directly as he moved in and out.

If you are having missionary style sex, have your partner sit on his knees between your legs and gently stimulate your clitoris as he moves in and out of you. Experiment with different positions and see what works for you. Just remember that practice makes perfect, so don't give up too quickly just because it doesn't happen the first time.

Of course, oral sex (cunnilingus), when performed correctly, can be one of the most effective ways to achieve orgasm. The trade off here is that you have to rely on the skills and techniques of your partner to successfully achieve orgasm!

If you are reluctant to let your man go down on you, I suggest spending some time researching and reading up on ways to get more comfortable with this kind of intimacy. These types of inhibitions usually come from within (and not from the man) but they can be overcome. A number of women I know have had success with hypnosis programs for overcoming sexual inhibitions specifically to do with oral sex (giving and receiving). These programs can be found on the resources page of my website.

If you don't have a history of sexual inhibition, and you are not achieving orgasm through cunnilingus, there's a good chance your man is not paying attention to what works best for you down there. In my experience, men have their own technique - or repertoire - and it doesn't matter who they're going down on...they're just going to do what they know how to do. This is a shame because a) no 2 women are alike (nor are their clitoris's) and b) this approach simply means that your man has not yet learned that the best technique for oral sex is to listen and learn from your responses to his tongue action.

If your man isn't stimulating you based on the noises you make and the responses you give to each lick and each movement of his tongue or fingers, your best bet is to communicate with him as directly as possible about what you need. Whether you sit down and have a talk, or you work on being more vocal when he's down on you ("right there is perfect..." "just a little to the left..." "could you put your finger inside of me..."), your man needs to know that he can improve upon his performance, and hopefully, in wanting to please you, you will both turn out to be winners.

ORGASMS BY YOURSELF

As I mentioned earlier, the sole function of the clitoris (as far as scientists have figured out to date) is to give a woman pleasure. When a woman is aroused, the clitoris - which is made up of thousands of tiny, sensitive nerve endings - becomes engorged. Stimulating the clitoris is what leads to orgasm.

There are many reasons a woman may not engage in masturbation...from the religious to the sexually inhibited, to simply not knowing how. If you are ready to reconcile yourself to these issues though, and you want to bring yourself pleasure, ease yourself into it with the following steps:

1) If you have never touched or even looked at your clitoris, I strongly recommend doing so. Lie in bed, or prop your leg up on the bathroom counter and hold a mirror up to your vagina. The "bump" you see toward the top of your vagina, between the vaginal lips, is where your clitoris is housed (under the clitoral hood).

2) Lie down in the privacy of your own bed, or a place where you feel most comfortable. I suggest wetting your finger first, either with your mouth or a little bit of KY Jelly. Bring your hand down to your vagina and feel inside your lips for that bump you saw...your clitoris. Place the flat of your forefinger on top of the clitoris and apply a slight amount of pressure. In doing this you should feel some measure of pleasurable sensation, and this is also how you will know that you are in the right place!

3) With the flat of your finger, slowly start rubbing your finger over the top of your clitoris. Use a small range of motion...the clitoris is only a few millimeters wide...and continue this circular motion with your finger. If you like, use your finger to feel around the clitoris...the sides are also sensitive. You can use 2 fingers here on either side of your clitoris and make a back and forth motion to stimulate the sides. Keep doing this, and pay attention to movements that really set you off...that seem to elicit a stronger arousal reaction from your clitoris.

4) You may find your muscles tensing up...in your legs and your pelvic area. This is perfectly normal and can actually help build the arousal around your orgasm with this tension. Just remember to keep your breathing steady and to focus on the feelings you are creating down there. If you need more lubrication, add more lubrication. Through this process your vaginal walls are most likely creating their own lubrication, but since your clitoris is removed from that area, you may need to lubricate your clitoral area manually.

5) Continue with your finger motion for as long as you are comfortable. As long as you keep stimulating the area that is causing the pleasurable sensations, chances are you will build yourself up to orgasm. The first few times may take the longest...it takes time to learn what techniques turn us on the most and to then refine them.

6) Pressure and speed can greatly affect the intensity of your orgasm (thus the evolution and popularity of vibrators!). Once you get the hang of bringing yourself to orgasm, experiment by varying the pressure of your finger(s) on your clitoris and by increasing the pace of your actions. Soon you will be able to get into bed knowing exactly what kind of orgasm you are in the mood for, and exactly how to make it happen!

Now that you've learned how to have an orgasm, go experiment, go have fun, and make some noise!

If you would like some help overcoming your inhibitions or discomfort with giving or receiving oral sex, please visit the Resources page of my website for some programs that can help you.